Haven't posted in a long while. So I thought I'd update.

As of last Thursday (9/3/09) I was laid off from my job. I've known it was going to happen sometime in the last 6 months because of the slow down, and also the splitting of the 2 companies I've worked for. I got a one week severance from one of my companies, but don't expect one from the other. I'll be drawing unemployment until I find another job, but the job market is scarce right now. Maybe I shouldn't be picky, but I'd like something with the weekends off. But I am ok for this week and next week. I can also do sales for my dad's insulation company to keep the money steady. As of right now, I've been 2 days without a job, and I'm already stir-crazy. I have however cleaned out a closet, and also gotten quite a few loads of laundry done from our camping trip.

For labor day weekend, we went to Flaming Gorge with Brian's family. It was a lot of fun, and a good way to clear my head from the things at home. My boss (at the time) wasn't going to let me have the Friday off because his anniversary was the same weekend, well, the same DAY, and said that his FIVE year anniversary was more important than my ONE. I couldn't believe he said that! Anyway, he told me about Caffall laying me off, and told me that I could work for him for 2 days a week. HA! I can't survive on 16 hours! Are you kidding me?! And he said I could have Friday off. How nice of him! *rolls eyes*.

Anyway, back to Flaming Gorge. We headed out Friday morning. How nice it is to have a SUV! Everything and Sadie fit in just fine with some room for Sadie to spread out. I much more prefer traveling in the SUV with Sadie over the RSX! We towed Jamie & Sean's (Brian's sister and brother in law) 4wheelers up for them because they were also bringing their jetskis. We got up to the Gorge at about 2:30, and started settling in by setting up the tent, getting the air mattress set up, and whatnot. Brian's brother Kevin & his fiance Nicole were the first ones up at the Gorge. They got there about 10 I think and got a great camping spot on the beach. We were all thrilled! Joe & Cindi, Brian's cousins came next,  and then Brian's Dad, then Jamie & Sean, then us. That first night was bitterly cold though! I would say in the thirties! We didn't sleep well at all.

Saturday we were joined by Joe's coworker Craig in the late morning. This was the main entertainment of the weekend! Craig decided he wanted to be close to the lake or something. Well, if I were him, I wouldn't have driven where he did! He started driving near the shore line, and it was VERY wet and muddy! Well, he got his truck, and his trailer STUCK in the mud. He spun out his wheels, and the mud was half way up his tires, and definitely up to his axle! We were all just saying and thinking "what the hell was he thinking?!" It took over 2 hours to get that out. They tried digging it out, that didn't work. They tried using a tow rope, that didn't work. So what finally did work was they jacked up the truck and put some gravel underneath the front tires, and some wood underneath the back tires. After about the 2 hours, Kevin finally was able to pull him out with his truck. He ended up parking his truck and trailer on the road! I had no doubts that the Paulsen boys wouldn't be able to get that truck out!

 

The rest of the weekend was just relaxing. It didn't get too hot, but I still ended up getting sunburned somehow even though I stayed in the shade the majority of the days. I wussed out on wakeboarding because the water temperature was COLD! I'm one who is still learning, and still fall, and I didn't want to get my head wet. LOL. We rode the fourwheelers, and I got some good reading in (reading New Moon again before the movie comes out this November). Brian's brother-in-law Sean and his friend that came up with them built an amazing fire pit!

We came home Monday, and got home about 2:30. Brian insisted on taking us out to dinner for our anniversary. I was a little skeptical about it since I just lost my job. But I'm not really worried about money right now. We'll get by just fine. I can't believe it's been a whole year since we've been married though! Next month we'll have been together for 5 years! Time flies! Anyway, here's some other pictures from our trip:

I've been thinking the last few weeks, and I've finally decided it's time to get my butt back into school. I'm ready to further myself in my education which I hope means better opportunities for the future. I don't seem to get anywhere where I'm at now, so I'm going to do something about it. I want to get ahead in life, and just sitting around won't do me any good.

I have a few things I'll be looking into. I'm not exactly sure where I want to go in life, but I hope to find out. I'm sick of taking a backseat to everyone and everything, so I'm taking my life to what I hope to be the next level. Opportunities keep passing me by, and I can't take much of that anymore.

I have a few setbacks right now, so I'm hoping that financial aide is available to me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Today I just feel like I've been stuck in a rut. It just seems that no matter how hard I work, or how hard I try, it doesn't get me anywhere. I try to not be so negative, and for the most part, it's worked, but I don't know if I've burnt some bridges along the way that would advance me in certain aspects of my life. I just feel like no matter what I do, nothing seems to work. I can't keep friends, I don't know why, but I just keep basing it on my personality. People just don't seem to like me for me. They'll hang out with me a few times, and then that's it. One girl even said she couldn't stand me. For what reason, I don't know, but I've always tried be nice and friendly, and of course a good friend back, but apparently that doesn't work in my favor. I've always had problems in that aspect, and I just keep asking why?

Jr. High for example: I was a straight A student in 7th grade. Had a few good friends that I had since elementary, kindergarten even. My "best friend" at the time and I were in all honors classes together. All of us got along great the first part of the year, but after that, my "best friend" and a group of girls decided it would be funny to pick on me. Still to this day, I don't know where I went wrong. Girls would make up fake email addresses, and pretend to be someone else, they wrote on one of my big projects that I didn't put it together. I really had a rough time. One bitch of a girl even hacked into my email account and that was the end of that. I tried to go on my days smiling and being happy, but you can only front that image for so long. I went home daily wondering why the hell was I so unlikable? Where did I go wrong? I still don't have an answer. The majority of my self harming became more apparent at that time. I'm still surprised to this day that no one noticed until I met Brian, but I was also good at hiding certain things.

Yesterday I watched a movie called "Odd Girl Out". Now tv, and movies seem to accentuate things more than real life, but I almost could relate to the movie. Vanessa is liked by one of the girls in the group, but the rest don't. (I think the main point was that she didn't have much money, but that's beside the point.) This group of girls decided to make Vanessa the "Odd Girl Out". The girls dedicate a whole website to Vanessa, and they post terrible things about her. They spread rumors, and there wasn't a thing this girl did wrong. She was driven into a deep state of depression and that lead to her overdosing on pills.

I know a lot of parents out there will say that that's just what goes on in highschool, and there's really no harm in what's going on, but there really is. I've lived it, and I don't really remember my early adolesance being a pleasant experience at all. To this day I cannot forgive what certain girls had done/said to me. To this day I am still bitter about being friends with girls. Some days I just want to blame my negative attitude towards life on them, but that doesn't really get me anywhere. It's hard to get back into a state of living a happy life, when for years you were verbally abused in so many ways. But I still go on with my life trying to be the person I want to be. It's still hard on some days. I've always seemed to be a negative person. But I think growing up I had a lot of negativity around me. It's hard to break that particular cycle. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think back to what happened to me in the past, and someday I hope that I do forget what happened, or at least let go of it.

Being sexually and verbally abused I've taken a defense up against everyone I meet. I've come across a lot of hurdles, and in some aspects I'm proud of myself. I haven't had a self inflicted wound in over 2 years now. I got married to a wonderful man who fully supports me in everything I do. I can tell you that intimacy was a hard thing for me at first, but we worked through that together. I guess it's just smalls steps, baby steps, to take one at a time.

For all of my friends and family who are still there for me, thank you. I love each and every one of you for standing by me at certain times in my life when I needed you the most. If I ever hurt anyone in any way, I'm sorry. I truely am. I just hope you can accept my apologies. And please, if you have any issues with me, please discuss it with me. I don't want to go through life wondering what happened, and why things didn't work out between us (as friends, or family). I just hope that together, we can help each other along the way to make me a better person.

It's been a while since I've posted, so I'll update a bit.

Bailey turned 7 weeks old last Saturday. She is the cutest baby! She's developing a little bit of a personality, and I just love that little thing to death! She's trying really hard to keep her own head up now, and she's to the point where she wants to be held upright to see what's going on around her. Nathan and Jessica have adjusted fairly well as parents (besides a few irritating arguments we've had!). Every time I look at that baby girl, I just am so in love. Being an aunt really is amazing, and I love it!

Brian went to Vegas two Saturdays ago for a "fun" sign supply convention. They flew him to and from Vegas on the same day. He was pretty exhausted on Sunday. He's been practicing with his band every Tuesday and Thursday. They don't have any shows coming up that I'm aware of, but I'm still patiently waiting to see them play live (normally they play at bars). He's also excited about the playoffs, even though the Jazz will probably be out by game 5 or so...He's been working hard at work, and doing really well.

Sadie's as hyper and happy as ever. I feel bad because I'm basically working 2 jobs now (I work part time with my dad at night), and that amounts to about 60+ hours a week, so she's been cooped up a lot in her room. She's loving the warm weather since we can go outside and play with her. I can't wait to take her to the dog park. She definitely needs some socialization! LOL. She loves other dogs! We've been taking her running every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She LOVES it! As soon as Brian's alarm rings at 6 am, and Brian gets up and puts his sweat suit on, she gets super excited! We have the Gentle Leader for her, that she seems to not enjoy so much. It basically goes around the base of their skull, and up on their nose so it keeps their head up while they're walking, kinda how the mom's do when the puppies are first carried around in a way. Anyway, she hates the thing on her nose. She hasn't had any problems pawing at her nose (imagine a rabbit cleaning it's face with both paws, but fiercer) while jogging with Brian, well, every time I go, she seems to stop several times! I don't know exactly what it is, but it's frustrating because we have to stop and get scratched because she won't let it be. She ALWAYS does it when I'm there or walking her by myself. Lame!

Anywho, work is going ok. We've been a bit slow the last week, but the weather's been pretty lame. It was snowing/hailing for a few short minutes on Sunday, and it rained all weekend. Today was pretty nice though. In the low 60s. Be prepared east coast!

I've been working with my dad with all the fun stuff for the insulation rebate stuff. Not the funnest job, but it pays well, and anything we can get right now is just great. We owed taxes this year....so that set us back quite a bit. We're holding up ok though.

Tonight we went to Brian's friend's wedding. They've been dating for like eight years, so it's about time they got married! HAHA. It really was great seeing them happy though. Lisa was absolutely beautiful! It's just great that they found each other to share their lives with. I look back at where Brian and I have come from, and am just greatful for every single day with him. He's a great husband. Cooks, cleans, takes the dog out, bathes her...could you ask for anything more? I know he's going to be a good daddy when the time comes. He's not selfish at all (one of my favorite qualities in him).

I've been thinking over a lot of things like weddings, and babies, and all that fun stuff. All the good people in my life. Family especially. I am so greatful for little Bailey Faith! She's the most adorable little thing ever! I am so glad that she is as healthy as she is. I just hope she continues to be and has the best life possible! Seeing that little girl is just an amazing feeling, and I can't wait to experience that as a mom (it's not happening for a while guys!!!). Doesn't help that everyone around me has one (or in some of my friends cases....2!). But we definitely want to settle down a bit more. I want to get my medical crap taken care of, and maybe in a couple of years. My family, and Brian's, have been really great to us. We couldn't ask for better family's.

I have to blog this before I forget. Brian picked Sadie up sometime this past week, just because she hates being held, and does what he always does and says "get mommy". Well, if you've never heard an animal pass gas, wait til you meet Sadie. She's just about notorious for it, whether it's a burp, or flatulence...well, she passed gas, and it wasn't the silent one....no, we heard it. Well Brian looks at her rear end, trying to register what he just heard. He got a "I can't believe she just did that that loud" look on his face, and I was just "rolling on the floor" laughing with the combination of what Sadie did, and the priceless look on his face. I'm still giggling about it because Erika was sitting on the couch, and she goes "Sadie! I heard that!"

Last Thursday we left for Vegas. We stopped in St. George for gas and to grab some lunch. We ate at Iceberg. While we were eating, I thought I saw my cousin who goes down to school in St. George. I just saw her out of the corner of my eye. After we finished eating, I went up to the counter and asked if Natalie worked there. Lo and behold, she did! Of all the places to stop at, we pick where she works! I still think it's funny.

After lunch we headed out for the hour and a half trip to Vegas from St. George. They are widening their freeways down in Vegas, so traffic was stop and go for about 15 minutes or so. We finally got to our hotel, and checked in at about4 Vegas time. We relaxed for a bit before we headed out on the strip.

We stayed at Excalibur, and it was nice because we weren't too far from some good casinos and other attractions. I think we gambled a little bit the first night, but we took it easy too.

Friday we walked over to the Luxor and Mandalay Bay. We gambled a bit there, and I won $90 off of $7. I was excited! LOL. We then walked the strip. I think we walked about 12 miles or so that day, and boy was I exhausted when we got back. We set out to see the lions or tigers at the Mirage, but they didn't have them for us to see for free anymore, so we started walking back to our hotel. We stopped for lunch at McD's, and we shopped a bit on the way back. I got 2 new wraps that you can use as skirts, shirts or dresses. They are pretty interesting and cute.

Brian's friends who he worked with at Subway a few years back joined us in Vegas on Friday (well technically early Saturday). We had breakfast with them at the Sherwood Forest Cafe in the hotel. They treated us to tickets to The Tournament of Kings at Excalibur for my birthday. I thought that was very nice of them! Brian and I have never seen it, and I was pretty interested in it when we got there, but I thought it was too expensive. After we got the tickets we went to Mandalay Bay to see the Aquarium. Pretty interesting. I've never seen sharks up close before... We then went to a bar at Mandalay Bay. Their service wasn't the greatest, so we left to Excalibur's bar.

Chris and Lisa wanted to go see Criss Angel's show that night, and both Brian and I weren't very interested in seeing it, so we told them to go and have fun. They went and bought their tickets, and we killed some time before The Tournament of Kings dinner. It was such a good show! And the dinner was pretty good. A whole chicken! Haha. I enjoyed it all. After that, Chris and Lisa went to the Criss Angel show, and Brian and I went to our room to relax before we were going to go on the Roller Coaster at New York New York. I've never been on it, and I wanted to go on it at night, so we got on the last ride for the night. It was fun, although I was extrememly tired.

Chris and Lisa had to leave on Sunday to get back to work and their wedding planning. So in the morning, we had breakfast with them, and then we went and saw the Bodies exhibit. That was pretty cool....and weird. They then headed off for Salt Lake, and I'm sure they got better weather than we did on Monday! After a while we had lunch at In-N-Out burger. Brian's never been there, so I hope he liked it! It was a mad rush though. After lunch we went and did some shopping, and then we went back to the hotel and gambled a bit. We then called it a night.

Monday we left about noon Salt Lake time. I think we should have left a little earlier, although I don't know if that would've helped much with the horrible snow storm. We stopped in Mesquite for lunch at Popeye's and then a beer run. We checked on the price of gas in Mesquite, but they're a lot higher than Utah. So I told Brian we should wait til St. George. We made it to Cedar City though. After that we hit rain, and then snow. Brian was getting a little bit worried about the snow pack on the freeway (it was getting icy and there was so much snow), so we got off on the Mona exit. Their's practically nothing there, and I had to go to the bathroom. We tried to get service on our phones, but barely could. We were trying to access the internet to see if there were any back roads he could take. There really weren't. I called my dad, and he told us to get back on the freeway and that the roads should be clearer the more north we go because the plows would be out nearer to the more populated cities. I turned Brian's hazards on, and we set out for at least Payson. We stopped at a WalMart so we could have a pit stop. The roads were a lot better there, but still some snow on them. People drove way to fast for the conditions. We then finally made it home about 7:30/8. It was a scary drive.

On Saturday, Erika called me and told me that Nathan and Jessica had Bailey. I was so sad that I couldn't be there to see her right away, so I had Erika send me a picture of her. She is such a cute little baby! She seems to be really healthy =). I saw her last night, and she was just sleeping away. She's so tiny! I can't believe how beautiful she is. She's so perfect! I already love my niece so much! She is such a miracle.

Reflection

A friend of mine posted this as a bulletin on MySpace. I really like it. It's also made me think:

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).


I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.


I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.


I would have talked less and listened more.


I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.


I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.


I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.


I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.


I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.


I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.


I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.


I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.


Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.



When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back.

STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

For the past couple of months I've been feeling a bit regretful for what I had done a few years back. I know what I did was the right thing, but it doesn't change the way that I feel. When people in your family feel as if the accuser isn't believable, it makes you think twice about what you've done. Why would someone make up something so asinine?! Why would someone accuse someone of something of such magnitude? Why would I want to ruin a family? I've ruined a relationship within my family, and I'm not proud of that at all. I was sent into a deep depression for many years, not exposing a single thing to my family. I got to a point where I felt like my life wasn't worth anything anymore, and I was hurting myself on a daily basis.

I don't want to go into any details on here, but I just feel like I need to get this out. I never meant for relationships to be ruined. I never meant for people to resent me. I was just trying to protect the innocent that were in that person's presence. I didn't want anyone else to go through the pain that I have gone through since I was 10 years old. No 10 year old should have bouts of severe depression. No 10 year old should feel as if her life is worthless. No 10 year old should have to feel that she needs to hide something so painful from her parents. No 10 year old should have gone through it alone. My parents have told me on numerous occasions that they wish they would have known. Not to write off "the cat scratched me" excuse time and time again. But then again, I was good at hiding it most of the time.

Someone else talked to me about something that could have happened to them in the same situation. I'm glad they didn't have to go through what I did, but now they are uncomfortable with that part of the family. If I had said something about it sooner, instead of when I was 16, nothing would have been attempted. Maybe some family members would believe me. And maybe I wouldn't be left with so many scars to remind me of the horrible things I went through by myself for so long. But I can only speculate what could/couldn't have happened. I can't change the past, so I have to live with the ruined relationships, and never be able to speak to the ones that I care about again.