A friend of mine posted this as a bulletin on MySpace. I really like it. It's also made me think:
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer).
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's'
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute.look at it and really see it . . live it and never give it back.
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.
For the past couple of months I've been feeling a bit regretful for what I had done a few years back. I know what I did was the right thing, but it doesn't change the way that I feel. When people in your family feel as if the accuser isn't believable, it makes you think twice about what you've done. Why would someone make up something so asinine?! Why would someone accuse someone of something of such magnitude? Why would I want to ruin a family? I've ruined a relationship within my family, and I'm not proud of that at all. I was sent into a deep depression for many years, not exposing a single thing to my family. I got to a point where I felt like my life wasn't worth anything anymore, and I was hurting myself on a daily basis.
I don't want to go into any details on here, but I just feel like I need to get this out. I never meant for relationships to be ruined. I never meant for people to resent me. I was just trying to protect the innocent that were in that person's presence. I didn't want anyone else to go through the pain that I have gone through since I was 10 years old. No 10 year old should have bouts of severe depression. No 10 year old should feel as if her life is worthless. No 10 year old should have to feel that she needs to hide something so painful from her parents. No 10 year old should have gone through it alone. My parents have told me on numerous occasions that they wish they would have known. Not to write off "the cat scratched me" excuse time and time again. But then again, I was good at hiding it most of the time.
Someone else talked to me about something that could have happened to them in the same situation. I'm glad they didn't have to go through what I did, but now they are uncomfortable with that part of the family. If I had said something about it sooner, instead of when I was 16, nothing would have been attempted. Maybe some family members would believe me. And maybe I wouldn't be left with so many scars to remind me of the horrible things I went through by myself for so long. But I can only speculate what could/couldn't have happened. I can't change the past, so I have to live with the ruined relationships, and never be able to speak to the ones that I care about again.
My World
2 comments:
The ruined relationships are not your fault.
"It" happened. You know it did. The party responsible knows it did.
The members of your family who chose not to believe you are the ones who chose to "ruin" the relationship.
You forced them to see a side of the party responsible that they did not want to face.
Their denial forced them to turn their back on you and place the blame on you.
You were a victim. You suffered. You tortured yourself because you felt you had no alternative. That responsibility lies with them and the environment they created.
You did nothing wrong.
You were the victim.
You need to unburden the guilt about this.
You did not ask for this to happen and you could not have predicted the family's reactions.
Forgive yourself...and stand proud.
You were courageous beyond your years. You didn't have the strength at 10 years old but you did at 16 and you did it to protect other innocents because it was the RIGHT thing to do.
Many never find the strength to tell. You had the strength. Be proud of that.
There are scars, yes, but no new scars. Be proud of that.
Don't be ashamed of your scars (inside or outside) be proud that you came through the darkness.
Hugs and love,
Lisa
There are a whole lot of reasons why a person might not believe when someone makes an accusation like that. But the long and short of it is that those friends/family don't want to/can't fathom that that person would/could do such a reprehensible thing, much less to a child.
It's not necessarily that they have turned their backs on you, don't believe you or are angry that you came forward. For the most part, it’s a terribly awkward situation for them and they don’t know how to respond. Anger towards you is misplaced and involves a serious lack of knowledge and/or compassion. Really, they just want you to be able to forgive and get on with your life because they love you and don't want you to have to keep a burden like this in tow. Most people don't always realize that getting over something of that nature has to come at everyone's own pace, not theirs. Yes, you should have come forward sooner, but you didn't, and that's fine. You do things when you are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually able to do so.
You are not responsible for what happened to you or to anyone else before or after you. That person is. I know that you know what happened was in no way your fault, but it’s still good to hear it sometimes. You should never regret doing the right thing, especially in this case as you may have spared many innocents. I believe you have. Take comfort in that. Continued silence only emboldens perpetrators. You can be certain there is suspicion permanently placed, but remember - this person did it to itself.
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