Today I just feel like I've been stuck in a rut. It just seems that no matter how hard I work, or how hard I try, it doesn't get me anywhere. I try to not be so negative, and for the most part, it's worked, but I don't know if I've burnt some bridges along the way that would advance me in certain aspects of my life. I just feel like no matter what I do, nothing seems to work. I can't keep friends, I don't know why, but I just keep basing it on my personality. People just don't seem to like me for me. They'll hang out with me a few times, and then that's it. One girl even said she couldn't stand me. For what reason, I don't know, but I've always tried be nice and friendly, and of course a good friend back, but apparently that doesn't work in my favor. I've always had problems in that aspect, and I just keep asking why?

Jr. High for example: I was a straight A student in 7th grade. Had a few good friends that I had since elementary, kindergarten even. My "best friend" at the time and I were in all honors classes together. All of us got along great the first part of the year, but after that, my "best friend" and a group of girls decided it would be funny to pick on me. Still to this day, I don't know where I went wrong. Girls would make up fake email addresses, and pretend to be someone else, they wrote on one of my big projects that I didn't put it together. I really had a rough time. One bitch of a girl even hacked into my email account and that was the end of that. I tried to go on my days smiling and being happy, but you can only front that image for so long. I went home daily wondering why the hell was I so unlikable? Where did I go wrong? I still don't have an answer. The majority of my self harming became more apparent at that time. I'm still surprised to this day that no one noticed until I met Brian, but I was also good at hiding certain things.

Yesterday I watched a movie called "Odd Girl Out". Now tv, and movies seem to accentuate things more than real life, but I almost could relate to the movie. Vanessa is liked by one of the girls in the group, but the rest don't. (I think the main point was that she didn't have much money, but that's beside the point.) This group of girls decided to make Vanessa the "Odd Girl Out". The girls dedicate a whole website to Vanessa, and they post terrible things about her. They spread rumors, and there wasn't a thing this girl did wrong. She was driven into a deep state of depression and that lead to her overdosing on pills.

I know a lot of parents out there will say that that's just what goes on in highschool, and there's really no harm in what's going on, but there really is. I've lived it, and I don't really remember my early adolesance being a pleasant experience at all. To this day I cannot forgive what certain girls had done/said to me. To this day I am still bitter about being friends with girls. Some days I just want to blame my negative attitude towards life on them, but that doesn't really get me anywhere. It's hard to get back into a state of living a happy life, when for years you were verbally abused in so many ways. But I still go on with my life trying to be the person I want to be. It's still hard on some days. I've always seemed to be a negative person. But I think growing up I had a lot of negativity around me. It's hard to break that particular cycle. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think back to what happened to me in the past, and someday I hope that I do forget what happened, or at least let go of it.

Being sexually and verbally abused I've taken a defense up against everyone I meet. I've come across a lot of hurdles, and in some aspects I'm proud of myself. I haven't had a self inflicted wound in over 2 years now. I got married to a wonderful man who fully supports me in everything I do. I can tell you that intimacy was a hard thing for me at first, but we worked through that together. I guess it's just smalls steps, baby steps, to take one at a time.

For all of my friends and family who are still there for me, thank you. I love each and every one of you for standing by me at certain times in my life when I needed you the most. If I ever hurt anyone in any way, I'm sorry. I truely am. I just hope you can accept my apologies. And please, if you have any issues with me, please discuss it with me. I don't want to go through life wondering what happened, and why things didn't work out between us (as friends, or family). I just hope that together, we can help each other along the way to make me a better person.