New Year, New Me

I've been desperately trying to change my outlook on life the past couple of years. I haven't been the most positive person, and in turn, have turned people away from me a number of times. Negativity became a way of life for me, and until recently, I haven't felt completely happy.

In my previous post, I talked about a lot of things that had gone on last year. 2009 wasn't the greatest year for me and my family, immediately and extended. I can tell you I've come to appreciate family more in this last year than ever. Sadly, tragedies and the like bring families extremely close.

The meaning of life has been redefined for me so many times, but not until recently has it changed me for the better. I use to be so negative, and didn't have the best outlook on life. So many times depression had gotten the best of me, and the will to even care about what happened to me didn't even matter. Not many of you know, but I was once a "cutter". At the time, it seemed like my only outlet. I had been doing that since I was about 11 years old. BUT I can tell you, I cannot remember the last time that I cut. Having a husband I know I can talk to has been the biggest strength for me. I still have the urges when I get down sometimes, but then I look back at the dozens and dozens of scars of my arms...

My goals have been set for 2010, and I know that many people make New Year's resolutions and don't stick to them, but I have a will stronger than I have had in a long time to achieve so much more in my life.

• First off, as you can tell, I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to keep people that are important to me in my life, and let them know how much they really do mean to me.
  
• Second, I would like to lose weight. EVERYONE and their mom set this goal, but I've gained quite a bit of weight since highschool, and need to get my pant size down from a size 9/10. I would like to get down to a size 3/4, but realistically a 5/6 would make me happy.I've been eating healthier day by day, and have been noticing a slight difference. Tomorrow, Friday, I will be joining a gym up by my work and attending at least 3 times a week.
  
• Third, remodels. We've already begun on the kitchen. We received some cash at Christmas time, and Brian has some left from his birthday that we'll be using to buy tile. We tore down a wall that was either a make-shift bedroom, or a family room. The previous owners built the wall over the carpet in that area. WHO DOES THAT?! Anyway, we ripped up the carpet as well because we wanted to run everything out to the dump at the same time. Saturday, we're going tile shopping. I have a few ideas paint wise on what I want to do, and then we'll go from there. I'm sure countertops would be next after the tile! :)
• Lastly, I would like to get all the debts we have paid down. We already started by consolidating our credit cards. We brought our payments down from over $400 a month to less than $150. I had surgery in January 2009 for a cyst in my mouth from a root canal I had previously. Let's just say it wasn't a pretty penny! I've had the care credit credit card, and the no interest is about to expire, so I've got to get that transferred over to my CU as well.

I think all of my goals are attainable. I'm setting my mind to it!

Anywho, in other news, we went to the Jazz game last night. Brian's cousin, our roommate, BJ gave us tickets for Christmas. It hasn't been the greatest year for the Jazz at all, but they're always fun to go to. At every game they give everyone brochures with the player stats, ads, and whatnot. RC Willey had put an insert in the brochure to win a 32" flat screen tv. It told you to become a fan of the company on Facebook, and also write where you were sitting on their wall. I did so on my FB account, as well as Brian's. It said to check back on your post for a comment to see if you've won. Well, about 2 minutes before the first half ended, I checked my FB. 2 new notifications. 1 RC Willey responded to my post on their wall, 2 RC Willey messaged me to come down to guest services to claim my prize! I left from my seat immediately, but didn't catch the RC Willey associate in time. They wanted me on the floor during halftime, but we missed it! :( It really would've been an awesome experience to step on the court! It also would've been great to see Dan Roberts (the Jazz arena announcer who I knew through his kitchen & bath company). Either way, I was still stoked to have won! My cousin Aaron was at the Jazz game as well, and texted me that I was a brat, twice! lol!

After we met with the RC Willey associate, we went back to watch the second half. I had so much adrenaline running through me that I really enjoyed the rest of the game. A couple of memorable moments from the game: the kiss cam. Everyone always looks surprised when caught on it, it's so funny! At the end of that segment, a guy proposed to his girlfriend. I had so many emotions flowing through me already, that I teared up! lol! It was so cute! The whole arena just erupted in applause! Second memorable moment was at one of the timeouts, they were playing music, and again, the cameras were going around to people dancing. This little boy that was about 4 or 5 was dancing like crazy. They focused on someone else, then came back to this little boy. He was doing the robot! It was so funny watching him because he was SO GOOD! The arena again erupted in applause.

The Jazz of course won the game. I'm almost convinced the Jazz needs to give Brian season tickets. They haven't lost a single game that Brian has been to! After the game we went back to guest services to pick up our new tv! I was going to have Brian bring the car around, but the tv isn't huge, and we were able to carry it. One reason I wanted to bring the car around because I knew people would be looking at us carrying this tv to our car! LOL. We were right. I was worried about getting mugged! Heh! We got it set up last night in our bedroom, and now we need an HD receiver for it to get better picture quality out of it. For now it isn't so bad. While Brian wasn't hooking all the receivers and whatnot in the back of the tv, he pulled up one of the speaker cords, and it was under our clothes iron. Well, that dropped on my foot. Instant bruise! and goose egg! Felt like it broke something in my foot....ouch! LOL. It's doing better today though. End of a great night I guess! Hehe!

Today I felt a sense of euphoria all day. I don't know if it was just from all the adrenaline from last night or what, but it was great! I just felt happy! Didn't seem like anyone could get me down, and usually being in the retail field, customers find a way to tick you off in one way or another! I actually enjoyed working with customers, and helping people. I just felt positive all day long, and of course, who wouldn't enjoy that?

It's been a while

Well, the last little while has been a bit stressful, therefore, the blog has slacked a little.

I was unemployed for just about 2 months. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise. As many of you know, we had a pretty tragic thing happen in the family, and at the time, I was grateful to be there for Brian's family. I've gone through a lot of hardships in my family, and sadly know the ropes around hospitals and waiting around in them. I won't go into any details on this because it is still a sensitive issue within our family.

Shortly after that, my dad went into the hospital because he had peritonitis and gall stones. Double whammy. They thought the peritonitis was caused by a gall stone, but it wasn't. He ended up having to get his gall bladder removed because it was eventually going to be a problem anyway. They think that his peritonitis was caused by his blood pressure medication (lovely little side effects he's been having with it: coughing, peritonitis, and ok blood pressure). I am not very fond of St Mark's hospital though. The day after he was admitted to the hospital, they took him down for an MRI right when I got there. They told me it would take about 10 minutes. It took over half an hour. When he got back, not a single nurse came in to hook him back up to his IVs. I had to go out to the nurses station, and told them to do their job and take care of their patients. It didn't seem like they took care of him very well. And I do understand VERY well that they have other patients they have to take care of, but when a patient is in pain, running a fever, and in need of antibiotics, and the nurses are sitting on their butts doing nothing but chatting, I got a little ticked. Anyway, he was out of the hospital after about a week. Before they released him, they gave him a flu shot, and a pneumonia shot and him go home on Saturday.

Sunday I went over to visit him at home, and he was running a pretty high fever. I think it was like 102.3 or something close to that. I tried calling his doctor, but he wasn't available, so I called the nurses on the floor he was staying on before. They said to take him back to the ER. They admitted him again, thinking it was the flu. They then thought he had a reaction to one of the shots. He was then released 4 days later. All in all, I'm just glad he's doing better now. Hopefully having his gall bladder removed doesn't cause any pain or whatever that can happen with the removal.

I finally got a job 2 months after being unemployed. I work for a medical supply retail store on the other side of the city. It pays really well, and when the benefits kick in, it'll be awesome. All in all, I needed a job change. I wasn't appreciated at my last one, I don't think in the least bit. Not to mention not seeing a single raise.

Brian and I are doing really well otherwise. Brian seems to be staying busy at work, so that's always good. He's had a couple of band gigs at a couple of bars, and he is absolutely amazing! I'm so proud of him! He sings and plays bass really well. I've always admired his talent on the guitar and bass, and I love seeing him do what he is passionate about.

Thanksgiving came and went pretty fast this year. We went down to Brian's Aunt and Uncles in Lehi this year. They have a REALLY nice house. It was good to catch up on things with everyone in Brian's family. I'm super excited that we will have a nephew in May! Jamie is super cute pregnant! They also had picked out a name for him: Layne (Sean is a huge fan of Alice in Chains, and Layne Staley. I also think it's funny that my middle name is Shelayne, and I never picked up on that spelling until recently). I made a pumpkin cheesecake for dessert too. First time I've ever attempted cheesecake, and it was a hit! It was so yummy!

My parents went up around Logan for their Thanksgiving dinner. We would've hit both places if we didn't have the dinners so far apart! We ended up doing another turkey dinner that following Sunday. I love love LOVE my moms sweet mashed potatoes! Super delicious!

I couldn't hold out much longer, I ended up putting my Christmas tree up Thanksgiving night. I was all ready to decorate when I got into the balls, and they didn't have any hooks. I was pretty disappointed, seeing as Friday was Black Friday, and I didn't want to attempt going out shopping! We ended up going out at about 5:30 that Friday night to hit Rue21's sale (the whole store was buy one get one 50% off). We then went to Target to get hooks. We ended up buying a bunch of dvd's though, because a lot of them were around $3.00. We also got The Office season 4 for $12.99. Anywho, the tree was finished Saturday because we went out with some friends Friday night to the Bayou because he was in town from Montana. He's a good family friend of the Freeman's, and of course us too.

My mom's birthday was this past Saturday. It was good to see my whole family get together. Mom made potato soup, and clam chowder. I'm not the clam chowder eater, so that's why she makes 2. Super yummy. I've always loved her potato soup! Bailey's getting so big now too! She's 9 months as of yesterday! She now has her bottom 2 teeth. She's also into EVERYTHING! LOL! She loved helping grandma open her presents! A little preview for Christmas. I got mom a pedicure spa foot bath with some nail polish, scrubbers, and whatnot. I hope she's happy for it! Now to think of what to get her for Christmas! She also got a screwdriver set, and a wrench set, because it's always so hard to find a screwdriver or whatever else there! LOL. She got a 5-disc cd changer, and a couple of dvds. I hope she had a good birthday! I'm sure she loved having Bailey there too. Nathan and Jessica went to a movie that night, and my mom got to watch her =).

All we're doing lately is working, and getting ready for Christmas. I haven't done any shopping yet, but it's because I'm clueless on what to get people! I've also got Brian's brother, Kevin to shop for since I drew his name. Brian got his fiance Nicole, so maybe we'll get something for the both of them. Who knows. They're getting married next June, finally! LOL. They were engaged longer than we were!

I'll try to keep up on posting! Life isn't as stressful as it has been in the last few months!

Haven't posted in a long while. So I thought I'd update.

As of last Thursday (9/3/09) I was laid off from my job. I've known it was going to happen sometime in the last 6 months because of the slow down, and also the splitting of the 2 companies I've worked for. I got a one week severance from one of my companies, but don't expect one from the other. I'll be drawing unemployment until I find another job, but the job market is scarce right now. Maybe I shouldn't be picky, but I'd like something with the weekends off. But I am ok for this week and next week. I can also do sales for my dad's insulation company to keep the money steady. As of right now, I've been 2 days without a job, and I'm already stir-crazy. I have however cleaned out a closet, and also gotten quite a few loads of laundry done from our camping trip.

For labor day weekend, we went to Flaming Gorge with Brian's family. It was a lot of fun, and a good way to clear my head from the things at home. My boss (at the time) wasn't going to let me have the Friday off because his anniversary was the same weekend, well, the same DAY, and said that his FIVE year anniversary was more important than my ONE. I couldn't believe he said that! Anyway, he told me about Caffall laying me off, and told me that I could work for him for 2 days a week. HA! I can't survive on 16 hours! Are you kidding me?! And he said I could have Friday off. How nice of him! *rolls eyes*.

Anyway, back to Flaming Gorge. We headed out Friday morning. How nice it is to have a SUV! Everything and Sadie fit in just fine with some room for Sadie to spread out. I much more prefer traveling in the SUV with Sadie over the RSX! We towed Jamie & Sean's (Brian's sister and brother in law) 4wheelers up for them because they were also bringing their jetskis. We got up to the Gorge at about 2:30, and started settling in by setting up the tent, getting the air mattress set up, and whatnot. Brian's brother Kevin & his fiance Nicole were the first ones up at the Gorge. They got there about 10 I think and got a great camping spot on the beach. We were all thrilled! Joe & Cindi, Brian's cousins came next,  and then Brian's Dad, then Jamie & Sean, then us. That first night was bitterly cold though! I would say in the thirties! We didn't sleep well at all.

Saturday we were joined by Joe's coworker Craig in the late morning. This was the main entertainment of the weekend! Craig decided he wanted to be close to the lake or something. Well, if I were him, I wouldn't have driven where he did! He started driving near the shore line, and it was VERY wet and muddy! Well, he got his truck, and his trailer STUCK in the mud. He spun out his wheels, and the mud was half way up his tires, and definitely up to his axle! We were all just saying and thinking "what the hell was he thinking?!" It took over 2 hours to get that out. They tried digging it out, that didn't work. They tried using a tow rope, that didn't work. So what finally did work was they jacked up the truck and put some gravel underneath the front tires, and some wood underneath the back tires. After about the 2 hours, Kevin finally was able to pull him out with his truck. He ended up parking his truck and trailer on the road! I had no doubts that the Paulsen boys wouldn't be able to get that truck out!

 

The rest of the weekend was just relaxing. It didn't get too hot, but I still ended up getting sunburned somehow even though I stayed in the shade the majority of the days. I wussed out on wakeboarding because the water temperature was COLD! I'm one who is still learning, and still fall, and I didn't want to get my head wet. LOL. We rode the fourwheelers, and I got some good reading in (reading New Moon again before the movie comes out this November). Brian's brother-in-law Sean and his friend that came up with them built an amazing fire pit!

We came home Monday, and got home about 2:30. Brian insisted on taking us out to dinner for our anniversary. I was a little skeptical about it since I just lost my job. But I'm not really worried about money right now. We'll get by just fine. I can't believe it's been a whole year since we've been married though! Next month we'll have been together for 5 years! Time flies! Anyway, here's some other pictures from our trip:

I've been thinking the last few weeks, and I've finally decided it's time to get my butt back into school. I'm ready to further myself in my education which I hope means better opportunities for the future. I don't seem to get anywhere where I'm at now, so I'm going to do something about it. I want to get ahead in life, and just sitting around won't do me any good.

I have a few things I'll be looking into. I'm not exactly sure where I want to go in life, but I hope to find out. I'm sick of taking a backseat to everyone and everything, so I'm taking my life to what I hope to be the next level. Opportunities keep passing me by, and I can't take much of that anymore.

I have a few setbacks right now, so I'm hoping that financial aide is available to me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Today I just feel like I've been stuck in a rut. It just seems that no matter how hard I work, or how hard I try, it doesn't get me anywhere. I try to not be so negative, and for the most part, it's worked, but I don't know if I've burnt some bridges along the way that would advance me in certain aspects of my life. I just feel like no matter what I do, nothing seems to work. I can't keep friends, I don't know why, but I just keep basing it on my personality. People just don't seem to like me for me. They'll hang out with me a few times, and then that's it. One girl even said she couldn't stand me. For what reason, I don't know, but I've always tried be nice and friendly, and of course a good friend back, but apparently that doesn't work in my favor. I've always had problems in that aspect, and I just keep asking why?

Jr. High for example: I was a straight A student in 7th grade. Had a few good friends that I had since elementary, kindergarten even. My "best friend" at the time and I were in all honors classes together. All of us got along great the first part of the year, but after that, my "best friend" and a group of girls decided it would be funny to pick on me. Still to this day, I don't know where I went wrong. Girls would make up fake email addresses, and pretend to be someone else, they wrote on one of my big projects that I didn't put it together. I really had a rough time. One bitch of a girl even hacked into my email account and that was the end of that. I tried to go on my days smiling and being happy, but you can only front that image for so long. I went home daily wondering why the hell was I so unlikable? Where did I go wrong? I still don't have an answer. The majority of my self harming became more apparent at that time. I'm still surprised to this day that no one noticed until I met Brian, but I was also good at hiding certain things.

Yesterday I watched a movie called "Odd Girl Out". Now tv, and movies seem to accentuate things more than real life, but I almost could relate to the movie. Vanessa is liked by one of the girls in the group, but the rest don't. (I think the main point was that she didn't have much money, but that's beside the point.) This group of girls decided to make Vanessa the "Odd Girl Out". The girls dedicate a whole website to Vanessa, and they post terrible things about her. They spread rumors, and there wasn't a thing this girl did wrong. She was driven into a deep state of depression and that lead to her overdosing on pills.

I know a lot of parents out there will say that that's just what goes on in highschool, and there's really no harm in what's going on, but there really is. I've lived it, and I don't really remember my early adolesance being a pleasant experience at all. To this day I cannot forgive what certain girls had done/said to me. To this day I am still bitter about being friends with girls. Some days I just want to blame my negative attitude towards life on them, but that doesn't really get me anywhere. It's hard to get back into a state of living a happy life, when for years you were verbally abused in so many ways. But I still go on with my life trying to be the person I want to be. It's still hard on some days. I've always seemed to be a negative person. But I think growing up I had a lot of negativity around me. It's hard to break that particular cycle. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think back to what happened to me in the past, and someday I hope that I do forget what happened, or at least let go of it.

Being sexually and verbally abused I've taken a defense up against everyone I meet. I've come across a lot of hurdles, and in some aspects I'm proud of myself. I haven't had a self inflicted wound in over 2 years now. I got married to a wonderful man who fully supports me in everything I do. I can tell you that intimacy was a hard thing for me at first, but we worked through that together. I guess it's just smalls steps, baby steps, to take one at a time.

For all of my friends and family who are still there for me, thank you. I love each and every one of you for standing by me at certain times in my life when I needed you the most. If I ever hurt anyone in any way, I'm sorry. I truely am. I just hope you can accept my apologies. And please, if you have any issues with me, please discuss it with me. I don't want to go through life wondering what happened, and why things didn't work out between us (as friends, or family). I just hope that together, we can help each other along the way to make me a better person.

It's been a while since I've posted, so I'll update a bit.

Bailey turned 7 weeks old last Saturday. She is the cutest baby! She's developing a little bit of a personality, and I just love that little thing to death! She's trying really hard to keep her own head up now, and she's to the point where she wants to be held upright to see what's going on around her. Nathan and Jessica have adjusted fairly well as parents (besides a few irritating arguments we've had!). Every time I look at that baby girl, I just am so in love. Being an aunt really is amazing, and I love it!

Brian went to Vegas two Saturdays ago for a "fun" sign supply convention. They flew him to and from Vegas on the same day. He was pretty exhausted on Sunday. He's been practicing with his band every Tuesday and Thursday. They don't have any shows coming up that I'm aware of, but I'm still patiently waiting to see them play live (normally they play at bars). He's also excited about the playoffs, even though the Jazz will probably be out by game 5 or so...He's been working hard at work, and doing really well.

Sadie's as hyper and happy as ever. I feel bad because I'm basically working 2 jobs now (I work part time with my dad at night), and that amounts to about 60+ hours a week, so she's been cooped up a lot in her room. She's loving the warm weather since we can go outside and play with her. I can't wait to take her to the dog park. She definitely needs some socialization! LOL. She loves other dogs! We've been taking her running every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. She LOVES it! As soon as Brian's alarm rings at 6 am, and Brian gets up and puts his sweat suit on, she gets super excited! We have the Gentle Leader for her, that she seems to not enjoy so much. It basically goes around the base of their skull, and up on their nose so it keeps their head up while they're walking, kinda how the mom's do when the puppies are first carried around in a way. Anyway, she hates the thing on her nose. She hasn't had any problems pawing at her nose (imagine a rabbit cleaning it's face with both paws, but fiercer) while jogging with Brian, well, every time I go, she seems to stop several times! I don't know exactly what it is, but it's frustrating because we have to stop and get scratched because she won't let it be. She ALWAYS does it when I'm there or walking her by myself. Lame!

Anywho, work is going ok. We've been a bit slow the last week, but the weather's been pretty lame. It was snowing/hailing for a few short minutes on Sunday, and it rained all weekend. Today was pretty nice though. In the low 60s. Be prepared east coast!

I've been working with my dad with all the fun stuff for the insulation rebate stuff. Not the funnest job, but it pays well, and anything we can get right now is just great. We owed taxes this year....so that set us back quite a bit. We're holding up ok though.

Tonight we went to Brian's friend's wedding. They've been dating for like eight years, so it's about time they got married! HAHA. It really was great seeing them happy though. Lisa was absolutely beautiful! It's just great that they found each other to share their lives with. I look back at where Brian and I have come from, and am just greatful for every single day with him. He's a great husband. Cooks, cleans, takes the dog out, bathes her...could you ask for anything more? I know he's going to be a good daddy when the time comes. He's not selfish at all (one of my favorite qualities in him).

I've been thinking over a lot of things like weddings, and babies, and all that fun stuff. All the good people in my life. Family especially. I am so greatful for little Bailey Faith! She's the most adorable little thing ever! I am so glad that she is as healthy as she is. I just hope she continues to be and has the best life possible! Seeing that little girl is just an amazing feeling, and I can't wait to experience that as a mom (it's not happening for a while guys!!!). Doesn't help that everyone around me has one (or in some of my friends cases....2!). But we definitely want to settle down a bit more. I want to get my medical crap taken care of, and maybe in a couple of years. My family, and Brian's, have been really great to us. We couldn't ask for better family's.

I have to blog this before I forget. Brian picked Sadie up sometime this past week, just because she hates being held, and does what he always does and says "get mommy". Well, if you've never heard an animal pass gas, wait til you meet Sadie. She's just about notorious for it, whether it's a burp, or flatulence...well, she passed gas, and it wasn't the silent one....no, we heard it. Well Brian looks at her rear end, trying to register what he just heard. He got a "I can't believe she just did that that loud" look on his face, and I was just "rolling on the floor" laughing with the combination of what Sadie did, and the priceless look on his face. I'm still giggling about it because Erika was sitting on the couch, and she goes "Sadie! I heard that!"